Hi there, I hope this finds you well and that you’re ready for an onslaught of words on these pages...
To give the rest of you some background, this woman actually was in my life for ten years and exited at a rather pivotal point in my life around three years ago.
We met at intermediate and instantly bonded over our mutual friendless-ness and the fact we were both mercilessly picked on and mocked for existing in the same space as everyone else.
Newsflash, smartass - we didn’t have a choice in the matter, we were all there to get an education. Clearly, that was wasted on a lot of you.
You and I were not the kind of kids that would’ve become friends for any other reason than the pure fact that we were just there at the time - and I 100% believe this with everything I am. We were two very different people, but somehow, through God, or fate, or whatever magical power that was operating at the time - we were almost inseparable.
It wasn’t until high school though where we were really glued to each other, and as we made our way through the first year, we managed to find other outcasts like us. The kids who would later grow up with us and keep each other safe with whatever we had around us. We were the underdogs of our high school and didn’t care who crossed our paths. If you were lonely and needed a friend - our group was there to protect you from whatever was out there.
You and I still managed to stay together and actually start finding some common ground to bond over. With our mutual love for Harry Potter, reading in the library and listening to music - we were set to make this friendship as great as we could!
As we got older and went through the motions of high school, we had found even more people who joined our little group of underdogs - we’d spend every free moment with each other, chatting and laughing away before going back to class. We laughed together, cried together and ranted about the silliest of things. We were a force to be reckoned with and everyone else on the outside knew that for a fact.
It wasn’t until I experienced the pain of being heartbroken for the first time (at fourteen) that I knew just how much I needed my friends. I tried so hard to see the light at the end of this seemingly everlasting darkness, and you all saved me from doing something I know (even as I’m typing this) I would’ve regretted.
Fast forward a few years with more people coming and going from our little group and we had graduated high school with our future laid out in front of us.
You were the one who knew exactly what you wanted to do, and while it seemed like your life was a lot easier than mine, you fought your battles with grace and poise - two qualities I admire about you, even now at the ripe age of 24. While we didn’t know where we were going to end up, we knew we’d get there together and to me - that’s all that mattered.
You got into Wintec and headed there to study film, and I would join you to study a degree in communication six months later. I never really thanked you for planting the seed that started the growth of my professional life as an avid communicator. So here I am, thanking you in the only way I know how.
Life was good (for the most part), from the neverending pile of assignments to the new friends we had made both together and separately - we had this student thing sorted. Eventually, it would see us living in a small apartment in the middle of the city, with a police station in front and the back of a supermarket beside, we were set to make this life the best we could with the limited money and resources we had.
We brought people together with our mutual love for the internet and other things that people our age would’ve scoffed at and laughed at us for. We didn’t care who crossed our paths, we tried to make them feel as welcome as possible in our presence and enjoyed endless conversations about the differences and similarities of our chosen study paths.
Unfortunately, as I was about to learn, you can have two people who may mesh well together - but that’s still not enough for them to be able to tackle everything that comes their way.
As the saying goes; “two’s company and three’s a crowd.”
We had decided to band together with another friend and find a bigger house. One we could make our own and fill with even more incredible memories, and one that would contain all of our idiosyncrasies and personalities.
It was no easy feat as we found out, but eventually, we found one which was charming, rustic, practical and perfectly located. It was close enough to where we studied, to a few shops and it was a lovely and well-kept neighbourhood. For the first time in what felt like an incredibly long time, I felt peaceful and optimistic about my future. I felt like no matter crossed my path, as long as I could come home to you two and tell you all about it, I could deal with it and the sun would rise again.
However, about a month after we moved in, I started to notice and feel the atmosphere in the house change. No longer did I feel like I was a part of this incredible and amazing journey this was meant to be. I felt like a guest in my own house, nothing felt right, everything felt like a battle and it felt like I was unwanted and unappreciated by one of the people I loved more than anything in the world.
You had seen me at my worst and still loved me, despite my occasional inability to express emotions in a safe and appropriate manner. You knew how to calm me down and make me feel like the world isn’t as scary as my head can sometimes make it out to be. I didn’t appreciate you as much as I should have, and I wasn’t the nicest to you towards the end of our time together.
The month before everything came to an abrupt end was chaotic, to say the least. Whilst I was still trying to adapt to the new house, with you and our other friend - my studies were also picking up in intensity and I found myself being more and more occupied as the days went on. This meant that I was gone from the house for longer and from you, and whenever I got home, I could barely muster enough energy for a small conversation about the day. I’d change into something comfortable to sleep in, grunt a small ‘hello’ at you, and then sleep before life demanded my attention again.
Not to mention that everything outside of my study was also getting unbearable - it felt like I was about to drive right into a brick wall, and oh - I did actually do that (in a figurative sense), and what I did next, I’m not proud of, and still racks my brain even three years later...
I’m not going to tell you about it, but just know that this person (and those around me at the time) knows what I’m referring to.
Now, three years later, I’ve seen and done a lot of things - most for the good of myself and those around me. Some things, however, are better left unsaid.
I moved back home in an attempt to mend my broken spirit from yet many other people showing their true colours (including those I thought loved me) and putting me through some terrible things. I managed to find a job where I found myself enjoying the simple act of making money and making a difference in people’s lives by just being myself. I found the confidence and drive I didn’t realise I had been missing, and I managed to find the courage and determination to move to the city I’ve always wanted to live in.
I’m making my life the best it’s been yet and finding new ways to fight the black dog that follows every day. My friends support me, pick me up when I fall, and make sure that I’m still surviving as I make my way through this giant city I now live in. My family are my biggest fans and love me even when I don’t call or text them for weeks on end. I’m finally in a place (mentally) where I’m excited about the future and not living in fear of it.
While I did lose you, I would like to think I wouldn’t be half the person I am today without that loss - and I only hope life has treated you as well as it has treated me.
You know where to find me should you want to knock on the door.
With love,
Tessa
