Back at it again with another post, but this time of happiness! For what, you may ask. Well, if you haven’t gathered from the title - today is International Women’s Day here in NZ, and it’s been a day where I’ve had all of my social media feeds filled with posts commending the women in the world who make this life the greatest for friends and family.
So here I am, providing my own offering of sorts, a celebration of the women in my life who support, love and challenge me to be the best person I can be and to do the best I can with what I have.
However, first I want to discuss my challenges and triumphs with my womanhood and the life I live.
From when I was young, I always knew I was ‘different’ - from the way I looked, to the way I talked and how I developed a lot slower than other youngsters my age. I would look at everyone else around me with a sense of fear and discouragement as I figured out I was not like them. No matter how much I tried, I would never be the way that these people were, and while now I’ve learnt to embrace the way I am, for a long time when I was young, it really put me off life as I knew it.
My family were the only people to really see me for who I was. The quirky, loud, smiley kid I was, in everything I did, I knew they loved me and only wanted to see me do well. I love them for that, even more so now as I quickly approach my mid-twenties. These people around me were the pillars of strength I leaned on when I felt beaten down by other kids and their words and actions, which they used to torment and belittle me every chance they got.
While I was the outcast kid in any social or academic situation I was placed in, I was also the one who had little to no friends (or ones who bothered to stick around for long enough), and as a result, became quite lonely and isolated. I sought the comfort of the library and lost myself in the imaginary worlds the books I read contained. I became the kid with their nose constantly in a book, so as to not have to deal with the fact that despite reading constantly, I actually was quite average in intelligence, and didn’t have many people I could consider friends.
It wasn’t until high school, where I really gravitated towards those around me - and it turned out that there were a lot of kids like me. The ones who were smart in their own way, but cast aside because they didn’t meet our peers' views of “smart”. The ones who just wanted to be accepted for who they were, despite not actually knowing because we were far too young.
These people became the beacons of light I looked for when all I could see was darkness and despair, the ones I leaned on when everyone else abandoned me because I looked and sounded different. We became each other’s cheerleaders when we felt defeated by the world, and we celebrated each other when one of us did something great.
Once I had left the safety net of school, I just sort of floated through life with no real direction, before taking the plunge and moving to Hamilton to pursue whatever was waiting for me. With a new-found sense of happiness and direction, I set about this new life I found myself living - and meeting some of the most incredible and influential people I now call my friends and colleagues. Life was set to be the best yet and I couldn’t wait to see what else I could do and see whilst studying!
Womanhood for me was challenging at best, coupled with my sexuality and what I thought I should be as a woman in modern day society - I often felt like I wasn’t meant to be a woman. I wasn’t feminine by most people’s definition, I didn’t feel connected to my body (as it grew and changed in the environment I was in), and I was surrounded by women who exuded confidence in their feminity. This made me feel guilty for feeling whatever it was that I did, as there were so women around me who embraced themselves in who they were - while I was happy and proud of them, I also felt terrible because I didn’t feel that way about myself.
Eventually, I found myself freed by the notion that I don’t live to appease anyone else. I am responsible for making sure that I am safe, happy and motivated in the life I live. I can create definitions for myself, and in turn, inspire others to live their truth, whether they’re women who are “traditionally” feminine or not.
Now as a woman who is approaching her mid-twenties, I’m delighted and excited at the way I’ve challenged society’s views of what it means to be a woman, and while I don’t have a partner, or kids, or even a home of my own - I realise I have a lot to be proud of as a woman, and I’ve enjoyed navigating this life I live and the events I’ve gone through.
Of course, I’m bringing this post back full-circle, by celebrating the women in my life who have helped shape me into the woman I am today. No matter the extent of the part these women have played in my life, I appreciate everything these women are, and the lessons I’ve learnt from them are ones I’ll carry with me for the rest of my life.
Firstly, the women in my family - without them, I am merely a person going about life with no real value or intention. My nanny, Mum, older sisters, Aunties, nieces and cousins (both younger and older) have brought so much love and purpose to my life not only as a woman but as a Maori, and I am thankful every day that I share the same life that they do.
The women who have educated me (in any capacity) and have ignited the fire for academia that I never thought I had - I am grateful to each of you for igniting my passion for learning, and for encouraging me to keep going when it felt like I was stuck in a haze of confusion and mess whilst trying to understand what was put in front of me. Thank you also for motivating me to achieve the best results I can with my mental capacity, and my ability to express myself through my writing is something I’m thankful to you all for.
The women I have befriended over the years, I’m amazed at the sheer love and joy you bring into my life. You are all so brilliant and wonderful, and I’ll forever be thankful that we are walking this path together. No matter where we may end up, or how we may get there, as long as we’re sharing this life with each other, then I’ll be satisfied no matter what.
The women who I’ve loved and lost in my short life, thank you for teaching me the lessons you have - and for being with me to share the love we’ve had together. I am stronger and more aware of the love I know I deserve and can give to the world thanks to the way I’ve loved with you.
The women who have sung their hearts out and have provided music as I’ve made tough decisions and celebrated great victories - I appreciate you for sharing your gift of song with me. Whether you’re aware of it or not, you’ve brought out emotions I’ve never felt - and your songs have always been the things I’ve leaned on when life was nothing short of despair.
The women who have proved many hours of entertainment in video form on YouTube - thank you for bringing a new lease on issues past and present. For entertaining the possibility that the world is better off with women in it, for showing that there’s more to life than what’s out there, and for motivating the masses with your content.
Finally, all of you reading what dribble I produce on this blog. To know that my words on these pages are read by so many of you means the world to me, and you’ll never fully understand just how much I appreciate every single one of you!
With all the love in me,
Tessa.
Tessa.
