Absence makes the heart grow fonder (maybe?)

I could fill this entire blog post with statements of apology and excuses about why I’ve not posted on my blog in quite some time, I could tell you that I’ll try harder to be more frequent with my postings – but like the lives we live, nothing is ever guaranteed.

That took a surprisingly dark turn, and I apologise for that, but it is true. Nothing we get is ever guaranteed. You might be living a pretty awesome life right now, and you might be the happiest you’ve ever been.

But if it all stopped tomorrow, could you still say you’d be happy?

I reckon most people would say no. I’m part of the group of people that would say they wouldn’t be.

And to be honest, I’m rather ashamed of it.

Over the past month or so since my last post, a lot has changed. I feel like I’m looking at everything in my life from the outside. I feel detached from my everyday routine. Waking up, going to tech, studying, sitting in class, and then going home. Rinse and repeat ad infinitum.

I feel at constant war with my feelings, and I pull myself away from my friends just because one happens to not be talking to me at the moment. It’s affecting my studies and my productivity levels (which are probably in the negatives right now), and I’m not sure how exactly to deal with it.

I’m doing my best to be better at managing these emotions, and I like to think that I’m doing it well enough, but of course, there will always be a crack in an otherwise solid wall. They seem to come out of nowhere, and again, I am faced with the ultimate and untimely mumbles of “what am I doing with my life? Can’t I just skip like five years and have my shit together already?”

Nope. No you can’t. Unfortunately for you.

There have been a lot of times where I’ve just felt like packing up my stuff, and going somewhere where no one can find me, and start a new life.

But somehow, I seem to pull myself out of it and carry on with my shit. I’m not quite sure how long it takes, or exactly how it happens, but it does. It has a little to do with the people around me, a little to do with how I see the world and a little to do with the things I have to be grateful for.

Because despite my sometimes defeatist attitude making everything I do seem pointless, I am still alive and doing life the way I think it should be done. I am still pushing myself to be the best possible version of myself I can be, and I am still doing it with no outside help or influence.

And it’s with this attitude that I’ve decided that I’m no longer going to bend my will for the sake of other people. People have to understand that I don’t take kindly to backstabbing, bitchiness, or people talking about me as if I don’t exist.

A lot has happened in the few weeks since tech started for semester two, and a person who I never thought would, left.
They were with me for about a year and a half and were mostly entwined with my life. They spontaneously decided to just stop wanting to be a part of my life. Thus, the silent treatment began, and the sound of unanswered questions became more and more unbearable by the day.

Weeks passed and nothing changed, nothing felt normal. I felt like I was merely going through the motions of my life, rather than actually living and taking it all in like I usually do. I threw myself into tech work because that was the only thing that I knew wouldn’t leave me for no reason, or decide to stop existing.

I became angrier and started taking it out on anyone who would so much as look at me for too long. I snapped at my friends and pushed them away. All because I knew one person wasn’t the same as they once were.

Now I’m living with the consequences of my anger-filled actions.

To be completely honest, I feel like public enemy number one every time I walk into my classes. I feel like everyone knows why this person is denying my existence, and they’re all in on it. I feel like everyone is silently agreeing with their judgement and is slowly pushing me away.

It sounds super pathetic, and normally this rolls off my shoulders because I know deep down I am so much better than the person fuelling the fire.

But the person that lit the fire (so to speak) is a person I really cared about. A person I shared so much with, and made a promise to them to always be there. But now it feels like the after-effect of a broken promise. The sadness and hurt that comes with finding out that someone didn’t actually care about you as much as you cared about them.

I’m not entirely sure what I should do about them next. We have a lot of mutual friends, and we’re studying the same degree in the same place. We still have another year of being in each other’s faces, and like I said, our lives were pretty entwined. It’s kinda hard to suddenly break it off and cut all ties without feeling some small sense of, regret I suppose?

I think I’ll wait a little longer before deciding anything drastic. In saying that, I’ve slowly removed myself from people and places we both frequented together and have often not gone somewhere, just because I know they’ll be there, and I’m not quite ready to face them in a social setting yet.

Hopefully, the next post I write will be of a positive and uplifting nature. I quite miss that side of myself. But of course, you can’t force it, otherwise it won’t feel real.

Until next time,
Tessa.