“Friends give us the courage to open up what we generally keep hidden from the rest of the world.”
As much as I’ve always hated being the one having to bear courage in a situation I don’t want to be in, and making the situation more digestible for all parties involved – I’ve realised that sometimes it’s necessary to be that one person for someone else (or multiple people depending on the situation).
I’ve felt conflicted for months on end, for various reasons. Whether it’s because of the work I was doing for tech at the time, whether it was being around people, or just doing life by myself – I was always feeling like there was unresolved conflict inside of me that was just ready to come out at the earliest convenience.
And it was hard.
It was hard to walk each step feeling like the entire world’s weight was on my shoulders. It was hard to not take each rejection or heartbreak personally. It was hard to be someone’s friend, but not return the favour and open up to them.
Being courageous to me seemed like an impossible feat. I felt unworthy of being so selfless and heroic, and thought that it would never be something I would feel in my lifetime.
I realised that I have in fact, been courageous in many situations in my life, without realising. Whether it’s been a small thing that’s taken no effort, or something that required a little more care and thought – I had indeed shown courage and did the thing.
Two (or three, depending when this goes live) nights ago, I was placed in a situation where I had to think about what to do next. It wasn’t an instantaneous decision either. It was one that required a lot of time and thought, and internal evaluation about how I personally felt about what was placed in front of me.
A friend of mine had ignored me for months, and people I had talked to about this person’s behaviour had theories as to why. I had my own theory, but I didn’t want to acknowledge its existence in case I later turned out to be wrong.
Spoiler alert: I was wrong. Very, very wrong.
Anyway, the night progressed and the conversation continued. It felt like no time had passed, when in reality, we had missed months of each other’s lives. In a way, it felt like we were two people meeting for the first time.
At the start of the year, I made a decision to try and reach out to this person and ask if we could talk about what had led to the silent treatment they were giving me. They didn’t reply, or acknowledge my olive branch (if you will), so I decided to leave it and continue with my life as I was already doing.
It wasn’t until we were placed in a project group together that we were forced to talk to each other. We had been exchanging greetings and awkward pleasantries for about three weeks, I’d smile and ask how they were doing, even though I felt like I was invading their space by doing so.
The evening came around and we decided to talk to each other. I was merely testing the waters, just gauging a response to see if something could be done about our feelings.
They contributed to the conversation as it carried on, and then something must have hit them in a very personal way – because suddenly, I found myself downloading (and reading) a word document, explaining the reasons for their silent treatment towards me.
It cut me deep (if I’m going to be honest). I felt like I was reading their entire life on a computer screen, and it scared me. It scared me to know that someone trusted me that much, to give me an explanation that was so full of rawness and emotion.
Someone with that much courage should be celebrated, not hidden away or shamed or mocked. They were very honest with how they felt, and what lead them to an emotional crossroads, and then eventually explaining themselves to me.
I was very emotional, and also very honoured and touched that they shared that with me.
We reached an agreement, and closure was gained with both parties. That night is going to be something that will stick with me for a long time yet.
I applaud them for being so fucking courageous and honest with their feelings. I hoped it helped them as much as it helped me to read it. They are someone who I respect more because they were honest when they were probably fighting an internal battle as they wrote the document.
You are amazing. I hope to continue restoring our friendship, and learning more about each other as this project goes on. There's no need to feel scared anymore.
Tessa.
