About a month ago, I made two of the hardest decisions of my life thus far. Those who know me well will tell you how stubborn I am, and that I often don’t go down without a fight. For me, having to give something up makes me feel anxious and scared about what’ll happen next.
What will I do? Where will I go? How do I go about readjusting once everything is done?
You’re probably looking at this and thinking “what the hell is this girl on about?”
Well, allow me to enlighten you.
Since the beginning of the year, I’ve been determined to get a qualification in Event Management, and seeing as I had just finished studying towards a degree, I thought what’s another year of study going to do?
It’s just another year of the same routine, and stressing about assignments… Shouldn’t be too difficult, right?
Wrong. So very, very wrong.
It was a massive shock to my system just how different and confusing a whole other part of Wintec would be. From someone who spent three years in one small part of the place that helped shape me into the person I am today, it was the strangest feeling in the world – and I don’t think I’ll forget it anytime soon.
Everything I had learned in the last three years seemed so wrong, and I was even more confused and annoyed than ever before – I didn’t think it was possible to feel that way, but apparently, it is.
I’d sit in my classes, with all these people I didn’t know, bored shitless and often looking for something else to do while the tutor talked to me like I didn’t just spend the last three years of my life in a classroom being “educated” about the industry I want to be a part of someday.
However, I managed to make some friends with people I never thought I would, so that was a bonus I suppose.
I should probably get to the point of this post right about now yeah?
As of a month ago, I am no longer a Wintec student. I am no longer studying, and I never thought my journey would end as suddenly as it did.
I felt myself getting more agitated as time went on, and as assessments were being pushed onto me left, right and centre, I was feeling more and more tied down, and often didn’t see the point in doing anything when those deadlines and assessments would still be there no matter what I did.
I could sense that my motivation and patience were running out, but didn’t think much of it until it started affecting my personal life. The feelings I had towards my studies started inserting themselves into things I was doing in my personal life – and at the end of it all, I couldn’t stand feeling the way I had been.
Instead of telling everyone, I went away and didn’t think about it for a while – and it didn’t occur to me until I was at an after-party last night for an event I worked at a month ago. I was tired of explaining my situation to every person I saw that I muttered a rather snide comment under my breath so no one could hear me (or so I thought anyway).
“I feel like I should have a pre-recorded message ready on demand for people, so I don’t have to keep saying the same thing to different people…”
So here I am, writing exactly that – but longer and more detailed.
I also made another decision that still haunts me, and will do so for a long time yet.
My partner and I are no longer together. It hurts, more than anything in the world – and it’s probably the worst I’ve felt for a long time. Knowing that I was the one who walked away from something great, deeply upsets me. I mean, we still see each other and we still talk and laugh and all that, but it feels different – and neither of us are great at dealing with change.
I’m taking things one day at a time, and it seems to be working so far. Of course, nothing will be fixed overnight, and of course, I still have dark days. Days where nothing feels right, days where I’d rather stay in bed and watch the world from my bedroom window, instead of getting out there and doing the life thing.
On those days, I find myself craving the wonders of spending time alone, listening to music or watching a movie in bed – just to calm myself down after stressing about nothing in particular. I feel a lot better about it now, but I also know that I’ve got a long way to go yet.
These things happen, often for the world’s amusement – but all of this did teach me a very important lesson – and one I think we should all try to remember at some point in our lives.
If you’re not happy with whatever you’re doing, it’s okay to change it – and if that doesn’t work, then you can always walk away and find something that does make you happy!
With this newfound sense of happiness and all things good, I sign off this post by telling you all that I’m heading to Wellington to work at the Armageddon event for the long weekend (cosplay and comic book/tv show/movie event held annually in different cities).
Catch you next time!
Tessa.
Tessa.
