In light of Suicide Prevention Week, I thought that I'd share my story.
My hope for this is that someday, these words on this screen will help someone feel a little less hopeless and helpless, and help them see that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel - you just have to be willing to fight for it.
I was in the last year of intermediate, my best friend at the time had just moved to Australia with her family, and it was the first time I truly understood what being "lonely" felt like. Did not like it in the slightest. 10/10 would not recommend.
I had been mercilessly picked on for years at school, and intermediate was no exception. No matter how many times I told someone of authority, or moved schools, nothing changed. Nothing got done, and I spent years suffering because of it.
With my best friend in tow, the bullying and mocking didn't hurt me so much, as I always had someone to distract me from the horrible things that were being said about me. She was the best thing little Tessa could've ever asked for.
However, when she left, the bullies that had followed me all throughout school had come back in full force, to tear down my already crumbling self-esteem and self-worth.
As I didn't have my best friend around anymore, these kids hurt me harder and harder, with no signs of stopping.
Thus I resorted to withdrawing from my surroundings and staying silent, no matter what. I completely shut down and didn't speak unless absolutely necessary.
What was once a bubbly, friendly and smiley little girl - suddenly did a total 360 and became quiet and disinterested. This girl would come home, skip dinner and go straight to bed, in the hopes that she wouldn't have to talk about what pain she endured that day.
When words weren't enough, these kids would resort to physical things - shoving and tripping became their weapons of choice. One girl even broke my helmet, simply because I wouldn't let her push infront of me.
That year was absolute hell - but was an absolute circus compared to what was about to come.
In high school, I was the shy kid no one went out of their way to speak to. No one took notice of me, and I hated it. I hated not being included in funny jokes, I despised interval and lunchtimes because I had no one to talk to or hang out with. Time seemed to slow right down.
Eventually I found comfort in books, and this lead me to meet some incredible people - some of which I'm still friends with to this day. We often sit and chat about how we became such great friends, and laugh about all the embarrassing moments that we endured together.
When high school started, I was placed in the same class as one girl who made my life the shitty nightmare it was. She wore an evil grin when hers and my names were announced, as if to say "we're just getting started".
I remember one day, we were in PE and I had sat aside from swimming, as did she - and she was being her usual, belligerent self, shouting all sorts of abuse at me.
I had a spontaneous surge of courage course through my veins, and set about writing a small note, detailing exactly how I felt about her, and how if she didn't leave me alone, then I was going to do something about.
Unfortunately for me, this backfired. Massively.
She came storming by, stood in front of me, shouted more abuse at me, shoved me a few times - and her piéce de résistance was to punch me on the side of my head, really, really hard.
This resulted in me running to the Dean's office, crying, while she called my sister to tell her what was going on.
That was the first time someone had ever laid a hand on me with the intent to hurt me, and it terrified me.
This was nothing compared to what was to follow...
A year later, I fell in love. Or at least I thought I did. When you're fourteen, you think a lot of things. This was no exception.
This person was a few years older than me, but I was instantly transfixed by them. I admired the way they saw me as a person, rather than just some kid running amok everywhere with no real sense of direction.
I adored the fact they talked to me like I mattered. When they asked me a question, I felt like they genuinely cared about my answer, and actually took the time to listen to me when no one else would.
However, fast forward a couple of months, and they had to leave.
This broke me. I was inconsolable, a total mess. Nothing felt right anymore without them around, and it was the first time I had ever thought about ending my own life.
Not to mention I had been picked on and teased about my new-found interest. Everyone in my class had found out, and threatened to out me to the whole school.
I turned to self-harm, as a way to distract myself from the internal pain - by exerting it into a physical form. Of course, this didn't end well, and when that stopped working - the suicidal thoughts came back.
It's difficult for me to tell you exactly when I stopped thinking of ending my life, but I can tell you that since then - my life has never been more fulfilling and exciting.
As thoughts do, these come and go, but as I've grown older, I've learnt to fight them and come out the other side stronger and more aware of the world around me.
Since that moment, I've managed to graduate high school - and now I have a Bachelor's degree under my belt. I've seen and done some incredible things, and have managed to find some equally amazing and wonderful people to share these with.
My life has only improved since that moment, and I'm always thankful that I didn't give in to the thoughts when they came.
If there's nothing else you take away from this, just remember that someone, somewhere has felt exactly the way you do. The only way to beat the thoughts in your head is to keep going on to do amazing things.
You'll find the strength and love to fight this, one way or another.
Keep your head up, there's much more to life than this.
All my love,
Tessa.
