Yes, as this title suggests, this month did indeed do a lot to me. I was tested time and time again; I was beaten down and hurt to the point where I just wanted to end it all. Go ghost if you want to give that feeling a name.
There. I said it. In plain black and white, for everyone to see.
I realise some of my friends reading this will be, shocked I guess. I’ve put smoke in their eyes as I’ve fought many silent battles alone. I once said to a friend that “I’m an expert liar when the time calls” – and I feel like I can be. I managed to convince people that I was fine, even when I was dying inside with every tick of the clock.
The reason I didn’t feel the need to share parts of my problems with people is because I was afraid of what they would think. I was convinced they would take a look at me, then run in the opposite direction. It hurts me to say this, but I actually was expecting that. I was waiting for the inevitable distance barrier to grow more and more, and I was waiting for nothing but silence and empty words. I had been hit from every possible direction, so it wouldn’t really surprise me if it did end up happening.
After a long, hard look at the things that were happening to me, I realised that people have two choices. They can rise up and be above the bullshit that people decide to throw at them. Or, they can fester in their cowardly actions, and reap what they sow.
There was a lot of talk on social media in the past couple of weeks, I’m sorry to tell you that it was my ex-boyfriend that fuelled much of my rage and tears in the past month. He seemed to think I was being horrible to him, because I denied him my friendship, and decided to seek solace in someone close to him. He seemed to think I was doing it to spite him when in reality, the person came to me for advice, and I simply obliged.
Social media has become a place for me to air my thoughts and concerns, but it seems to be somewhere where he and I battle a lot. I don’t speak to him unless I have to (we’re in a project group together, with four other Media Arts students, so I can’t really avoid him), but he doesn’t understand this, so he repeatedly tries to “mend the fence”.
What he needs to understand, is that I have no interest in doing that. I’ve tried multiple times in the past (almost) year. Every attempt always ends in us fighting, and either one of us becoming petty and immature, and refusing to be reasonable in any sense.
I’ve spent the past few months building a whole new fence (there I go again with the bloody fence analogy!), and making it so that he can’t get to me. I’ve surrounded myself with positivity and happiness and thrown myself into my studies so I can feel like I’m actually doing just fine without him. I want him to understand that no matter what he tries to do to crush my spirits, I will come back hundredfold, and make you see that it didn’t work. You might have caught me off-guard, but I know in my heart that I will be stronger at the end of it all.
There have been two people I’ve felt close enough with to be able to share all of this. They know everything that’s been happening and have been nothing but loving and supportive as the days go on. They’ve talked me out of doing some incredibly stupid things and have kept the darkness out of my eyes. They’ve pulled all of my problems out of me, however reluctant I was to share them and have shown me that there is a lot more than whatever is trying to hurt me. I’m only human, and it will come back again. But as long as I have people that love me and support me, I think I’ll be okay.
I posted a photo on my Instagram account two weeks ago, and it was a quote I had found on Facebook. It reminded me that I am young, and I’m not meant to have my entire life figured out. When I first read the quote, it irritated me. I’ve always been one of those people who plans extensively, and spends every waking moment making sure that I’m doing everything I can to be as happy as I can be. The quote implied that I shouldn’t have my life together, and it annoyed me.
After thinking about it some more, I realised that quote was right. I reluctantly let go of my earlier pessimistic attitude and left it undecided for a while. I should be living my life in the moment, not constantly worrying about the future. I can always think about the future some other time, life is meant to be lived in the present tense, and that is what I took away from those simple words.
I’m sorry this is getting really long, but I needed to get something out to stop this chaos that was forming in my head from the past few days.
It’ll all be over soon, I just have to hold out some more.
Blog ya later!
Tessa.
Tessa.
PS – if anyone would like to follow me on Instagram, my username is: angelinblackjeans (as written).
