Those two words sum up my life in the best way right now.
I’m knee deep in my third year of my degree, and I’m already thinking it has kicked my ass at least twice already.
I’ve gone to two graduation ceremonies for Wintec and have watched many of my friends receive their degrees with a huge smile on my face, sore hands from clapping, and a twinge of jealousy in my heart.
I was jealous because they were going up, receiving their degrees and saying goodbye to the last three years of their lives. All I wanted in that moment was to join them.
I’ve jumped back and forth into jealousy and happiness for where I currently am in my life.
And it’s been exhausting.
Not just the continuous jumping, but the thinking, and the listening, and the throwing of myself into my work at tech.
I’ve also had my fair share of confusion over the past little while, which has caused immense pain inside of me.
I’m often confused in any situation I’m placed in, not because I don’t understand, but because that seems to be my natural state of being these days.
You’d think after almost three years of going to the same place to get educated would help me feel less confused – but I would laugh in your face and tell you that you are wrong.
So very, very wrong indeed.
I’m confused because everything seems to hit me all at once, and once I feel like I may have my life sorted, out from nowhere comes a whole lot of other stuff.
While I like being busy and constantly challenged, I don’t like it when it happens to come from people of my past. People I’ve tried to move away from and focus on myself and what I’m doing.
Recently I had someone reach out to me because they were confused about something they were working on. While I was nervous as I was conversing with them, I was more confused at the fact that they chose me to reach out to instead of someone else.
Maybe it was because I happened to be there at the time? I don’t think I’ll ever know.
But the whole time I was talking to them, I realised that I missed them. I missed talking to them and helping them. I missed everything about them.
[Although in saying that, did I really just miss the idea of them? Who knows really…]
And while the entire conversation carried on, I felt myself burn inside, like someone had just come along and lit a fire that was fast becoming hard to control.
Over an hour later, it was time to say good night, and I was left with the remnants of what had just happened, and a lot of awkward silence began to fill my room.
A day later, I’m still confused, but I can’t help thinking about what it might mean or bring to me moving forward.
I’m scared, nervous, but excited to see. Even if the prospect of the future has been something that’s scared me my entire life.
My head has been a minefield for this reason, and so many others, which explains a lot about my absence in posting, and my ‘closed off’ demeanour the past week.
Sifting through everything I have to do before my two week holiday is taking a lot out of me, and is a sign that I should probably think about slowing down before I do some real damage.
This probably isn’t making a lot of sense, but I don’t care. I’m going to post it anyway.
So here we are, at the end of another post from me. Let’s hope there won’t be such a gap next time.
Tessa.
