Hi blog, it me. I know it’s been a while, three months almost, since I last wrote something on here.
I’m not sure where I was going with that, let’s try again…
Hi there! If you’re reading this, you’re probably wondering where in the world has Tessa been. Or maybe, you don’t really mind. Either way, I’m back, and ready to get writing again.
If I were to look back on the last three months since I’ve been “away”, I’d be lying if I said I was completely happy with everything that happened. I felt things I never thought I would, and said and did things that weren’t my finest moments.
I lost someone I loved as a result of not being able to control myself, and now I’m grieving the loss of a broken friendship. To be honest, I’m not okay with that. They were one of the very few people I could always count on to make me feel better, they were constantly making sure I wasn’t doing anything absolutely stupid (not that I can’t do that myself, but they tend to worry), and they had been around me for so long, it became difficult for either of us to imagine life without the other.
Unfortunately, now I’m living a life without them, and it sucks. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happier now than I was, but it sucks that I can’t share that with them.
My life has been a bit rough for the last three months, and I’m finally in a place where I can actually talk about it without breaking down and drowning in my own tears. Those who now me well will tell you that once I reach a point where I can’t stand it any longer, I crumble. Not a little bit either, an epic crumble of everything I am.
As much as I hate using clichés, my life turned from a snowball into an avalanche very quickly. It became uncontrollable and that scared me. I like having some sort of control over what I do, but when things change around me, I shut down and then lash out at anything or anyone who’s nearest to me at the time. I can’t always control where or when it will happen, which only seems to frustrate me more.
Add the snowball in my head to what feels like a blizzard of other things happening around me, with tech and my home life, and surely it makes for a huge avalanche.
Yes. It did.
When you suffer from any sort of mental health issue, the phrase you’ll hear most often is “it gets better”.
I heard that almost daily, and it made me feel worse. The words tasted horrible in my mouth and caused me to doubt even the simplest things.
After countless tears, multiple anger-fuelled rants, and everything else, I’m finally ready to move past everything and go forward for the next little while.
Thank you to my friends, who have held me up and put me back together when everything failed me. For protecting me and helping me fight the demons in my head, and for listening to me when all I wanted to do was talk about everything but what was going on.
Thanks especially to Alison and Hannah, I love and appreciate you two more than I could ever say. Thank you for helping me heal my wounds and giving me the strength to carry on. Thank you both for being a safe and happy place for me to grow and thrive.
Until next time,
Tessa.
