These feels are sending me into overdrive. I have no idea what brought it on, nor how to stop it - I suppose I should divulge as to what I’m on about.
You see, throughout my short and confusing life, I’ve had many feelings. Most have been good ones - those of happiness, love, laughter and other assorted things.
Others, not so much. These have been more feelings of frustration, anger, confusion - and more, which I will save for another day.
I’ve never been good at dealing with the feels - whether good or bad. I’ve either flat-out ignored them in the hopes they’ll change into something I understand or have got to a point where I feel trapped in my own body because my head can’t deal with what’s going on.
I want to expand on the feeling of self-entrapment for a moment here...
And before you ask, no, I do not mean this in the criminal sense (if you actually look up what the word entrapment means, you’ll find it has something to do with law and criminals and stuff).
I am merely talking about entrapment in the sense that I’m feeling like I’m trapped in my own body. I feel like everyone around me is ganging up on me, and just waiting for me to stuff up so they can use this against me to make me feel worse than I already do.
I feel like everything I do is harder than it usually is, and that whatever I do isn’t good enough. It feels like every step I take is a step closer to my (inevitable) doom, and that I’m being weighed down by all these little problems which are quickly becoming uncontrollable by the minute.
You may think I’m overdramatic, but you chose to read on, so suck it up, buttercup.
Let’s use Thursday afternoon as an example...
I was at work, and was asked to complete a task (which, upon reflection, seemed rather simple) - and by the end of the day, it still hadn’t been done.
Understandably, my manager was pissed and took this as an indication that I didn’t care that she was busy all day - which of course, isn’t true.
I got confused as to what I had to do, so rather than take her away from what she was doing (more than I already had to), I decided to do it a different way and see what would happen. A task that shouldn’t have taken all day, did - and neither her or myself, were happy about it.
My manager had asked what I had been doing and how far along into the task I was, and what I was left to do. When I told her, her face dropped as if to say “are you serious?!”
It wasn’t good enough (I was already aware of this fact), and she set about telling me so - in a manager-type way.
Something I should probably mention - I don’t take criticism well. I will either cry or scream at the person delivering said criticism. This fact I’ve known since I was young, and this behaviour I’ve adopted since. I’m aware it’s not a good way to deal with it, and I know I need to find another way to deal with these feelings, but I’m only telling you this so you have some context.
Anyway, onwards with my story...
After this barrage of criticism, I went and composed myself as I was well and truly in tears at this point. I didn’t want my manager seeing everything getting to me more than it already was, so I did what I do best - leave the situation, take a deep breath, then go back.
When work was done for the day, I walked off without saying goodbye (which is not like me at all) - because, at that point, I felt I couldn’t get so much as a sentence out without bursting into tears again.
I went home and sulked, knowing that the day was almost over and that the next day would be better. It was my weekend and I didn’t have to think about work or anything for the next two days - and I was damn relieved of that fact!
Fast forward to today, and I get to work - and I’m immediately alerted to an email. This email contained a long soliloquy about my behaviour and basically everything I had done wrong in the last two or three weeks.
I’m not going to lie, it hurt. A lot. It felt like everything that my brain had been telling me was being put in front of me, and I just couldn’t handle it. I broke down, and unfortunately, I’m still feeling fragile even now as I’m typing this.
My job has me helping out in the store I’m based in, and the email also contained parts where I wasn’t even being a Retail Salesperson properly...
The store (and the people who work there) is so different, and I’ve already had comments on my performance whilst there - which makes me even more hesitant to help out there - because I know that there will always be someone right there to tell me what I’m doing wrong.
That being said, I enjoy my job (for the most part), I help people with any questions they may have through our online portal, I pack and dispatch orders that come in, and I often am transferring stock from one place to another.
I just feel like I’m not doing anything right, and I’m often too scared to even ask a question or do anything because I feel like it’d be wrong. I’d like to think I’ll get better and things will work out - but at this point, I feel stuck.
I feel trapped in my own body because everything feels like it’s going totally wrong and I can’t do anything to fix it.
Eventually, things will work out, and I’ll be back to my old self before I know it. I’m just impatient and frustrated and wish I didn’t feel like my job is a minefield.
I had to get this out there. Thanks for reading this ramble and dealing with my thoughts I have. I’m sure I’ll be good soon.
Stay tuned!
Tessa.
