The one thing that I didn't want to happen...

This is probably the hardest thing I’ve had to write in a very long time…

It seems that I wasn't as strong as I originally thought.

Mike and I are officially over (as of this Wednesday just gone) and if I’m going to “lay it all on the line” (like a friend of mine once told me) – I’d have to say that both of us kind of saw it coming. I mean we hadn’t really spoken as much as we used to for a while, and I think it as starting to get to us. I don’t blame him for anything that has happened, because as cliché as this is going to sound – it isn’t actually his fault. I take full responsibility for this, and it isn’t because it’s the “honourable” thing to do or whatever, it’s because I genuinely believe that it is my fault.

People have been asking me all of the normal questions that surround an event like this… The one that has been most frequent is “how are you feeling?” and because I can be very cynical when something (or someone) has hurt me – my response has been “well that depends, would you like me to lie to you or tell you the truth?” (I actually used this response in a text last night, no joke).
Truth is, I actually don’t know how I feel. I mean on the one hand I feel good, because then I am free to think for myself and not for someone else (which sounds selfish of me, but I’ve spent a long time only thinking of others), but on the other hand – I feel like shit because I hurt a person that didn’t deserve to be hurt by me. I’ve hurt a lot of people in my life, but he didn’t deserve it.

I thought about it for a long time last night while having a few drinks with a friend. We were preparing for a night at a bar in town, and the subject of my (now ex) boyfriend came up. She asked me how I felt about everything and for the first time, I felt like not being a cynical bitch. I told her almost everything about how I felt. She, of course, understood me and told me all of the stock-standard things that girls tell each other when someone’s heart gets broken. Later that night, I thought more about what my friends had said to me (well those I had talked to about it anyway) – and I realised just how supportive they are, and how incredibly lucky I am to have such people in my life. We are all people that are worthy of love, and friends are those that show us just how fantastic you are, even when you feel like crap – and believe me, I felt the love my friends have for me last night.

You know when you’re thinking about making a decision, and you sometimes tend to think of the ‘last resort’ or ‘worst case scenario’? Yeah well I firmly believe that everyone does it at one point or another. There’s also the classic ‘what if?’ decision. What if I had just stuck with him? What if I hadn’t said yes to him almost 3 months ago? Those questions (and a lot more) have been plaguing my mind for the last few days, and I know that they’ll come creeping back with the more and more people that hear about this. The worst thing is that I feel like I could have tried harder, and I could have not shown fear – but what’s done is done, you can’t rewrite the past. This is a lesson that life keeps teaching me and I always seem to forget just how important it is.

I have no idea what the future has in store for me, and I start back at Wintec on Tuesday. I will be starting my second year of my Bachelor’s degree and I’m really looking forward to the new challenges and classes that I’ll be facing. The one thing I’m not particularly looking forward to is seeing Mike – it turns out we have a class together and it isn’t something I want to deal with right now. Ah well, you have to deal with people you might not want to see, and in less than ideal circumstances as well. I mean it’s not like I can just run away every time he comes near me now is it?

Until next time, fare thee well. Stay tuned!
Tessa